Reality
by J-Beckks
Summary: Jessica was tired of being in the dark, it was time she knew what Brody was up to. She had no idea that she would find for the first time his heart, bare and exposed.
1. Chapter 1

**Here is something a little different from usual. I wrote it as Carrie/Brody but if I could, I would add Jessica too. This is an idea from _castlefringereader_, who wanted me to write from Jessica's point of view. I found the idea quite interesting, although I'm not sure how well I got into her head. As the audience, we don't really go into her mind in the show so tell me what you think!**

**Two quick A/N: I have to point out I don't have any knowledge of the CIA so just go with it. :)  
**

**Secondly, I wrote this in class. Might not be the greatest place but I was bored. Be kind!  
**

* * *

**Reality**

Jessica was tired of being in the dark, it was time she knew what Brody was up to... She had no idea that she'd find for the first time his heart, bare and exposed.

* * *

She was home alone, doing the dishes. She was supposed to spend the day with Brody, finally. Since he was a congressman, his busy schedule prevented them from spending time together. He had today off and they were supposed to enjoy it.

Until his phone rang.

And he was out again. Off to some CIA mission.

She believed him – of course she did. Who'd say they worked for the CIA if they weren't?

But... all the mysteries. All the accusations.

She thought back to Mike.

She hadn't seen him since he went to her, told her to be careful.

She couldn't keep his voice out of her head. What if he was right? There was just too much secrecy. _Something_ wasn't right._ Of course_ it was the CIA,_ of course_ he had to keep it quiet but there was something more. He was playing with it. She could see it in his eyes. Brody was keeping something from her.

Did she want to know what?

She wasn't sure.

She had other things to think about now, new responsabilities. Finally, she had something for her, something close to her. She should let it go and focus on what was important to her.

It was just... it was bugging her.

Dana also acting weird. Like everyone was hiding something from her.

She let the ustensils fall loudly in the sink.

Damn.

When did she start to be out of the loop?

She couldn't even focus on her task at hand. She wanted to know. She didn't have to act on it. She just wanted to know.

Follow Brody one day, see what she could get.

Their marriage was over anyway. She couldn't find the love anymore. No – that wasn't right. Love was still here. In him probably and in her too. But he was different and even though he was trying, he was keeping her at arm's lenght. Nothing close to the passion they had felt all those years ago.

She ran a hand through her hair.

It wasn't like she needed to show courtesy of his privacy anymore.

Despite the love, the kindness, she wasn't sure there was respect left in them.

Not when they both had feelings for someone else.

She knew he wasn't seeing _her _anymore. But he had been. And he had been happy. He hadn't smiled like that since he came back. He probably wasn't even aware of it. And his eyes had been shining with such attraction every time he'd seen her... It was so strong. Not only full of desire, of sex. No. He felt something for her.

And she couldn't understand why.

She had to stop brewding over it. It was eating her.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, she'd follow him. She'd see.

It would be okay.

* * *

As expected, on the next day he had to go work with the CIA.

He still told her every time, insisting, like he was afraid she'd stop believing.

When he was ready to go, she wavered.

Maybe the general paranoia got to her head. She shouldn't...

She peered through the window as he got into his car.

She'd never stop thinking about it, she'd never stop doubting.

She deserved to know. It wouldn't harm anyone.

She hurried outside as soon as it was safe and managed to tail him.

* * *

She watched him from the window.

He really was going to a CIA facility.

Wow. Okay. Brody was working with the CIA. What exactly was he doing there? Would it be good for him to work on a case so soon after..?

Stop. She had one answer. She couldn't keep tormenting herself, the questions could be endless.

Although she couldn't stop herself from caring about him, she knew he didn't. He would brush it off, tell her not to worry. It wouldn't do her any good.

* * *

She was about to start the car when she noticed Brody didn't get inside. He was waiting for someone.

It didn't matter, she should go... -

Then she saw her.

He was waiting for _her_?

Well, maybe he stumbled upon her and...

No. He was waiting for her. And he was happy to see her.

From what she could see, she had work clothes, a badge too.

So... Brody lied to her. They were working together.

Maybe he didn't want to hurt her? Make her worry like she was doing right now over nothing?

No.

Fuck. He was still her husband. He was the father of their child, for god's sake! He had to tell her the truth and stop_ lying right to her face_!

She was hurting herself. She knew it but she could't stop observing them. For once, they were caught, they were seen, and they were not the ones who fooled the rest of the world.

She would have thought they would simply welcome each other and go inside. But they stayed a few seconds in silence, none of them moving and apparently speaking.

Jessica was somehow fascinated, intrigued.

What were they doing?

Staring in each other's eyes. Although she couldn't see them, there was no doubt that there were sparks in their eyes.

And then...

He took her hand.

Almost as if they were shaking hand.

But in fact secretly holding hands.

It was discreet. Hidden from most of the world around them but not her.

It said it all.

The way his fingers were carressing her skin. The shy but pleased smile on her face.

The delight of this gesture, comfortable and loving.

They laced their fingers, squeezed each other's hand.

And as quickly as they did it, separated and headed towards the building.

Nothing was said.

But for Jessica, it meant enough. For them, it probably meant everything.

She didn't think... didn't think it meant so much for him.

She didn't remember him being so... tender?

He was pragmatic, he talked. He showed his love with words. And here... it was just obvious. On his face, his smile, his gestures... Everything.

The realization came upon her. He was _in love_ with her.

She couldn't breathe.

She wasn't mad. No – she understood better. But why? How?

She watched them walking away. All too close. No one caring.

She wondered if they were even aware of it.

She wondered if they were together, having sex, again. They looked so innocent, carefree and public. Like two people in love who hadn't a clue. Who tried to avoid it.

She felt bad for spying on them. Watching their emotions when they might be ignorant themselves.

He was her husband but his heart was somewhere else. And it intrigued her. Because she thought he left it _there_. That he had lost it.

Apparently he didn't.

She felt a twinge of jealousy. Why didn't it come back to her?

But who was she? She was in love with someone else too. She had to understand.

Especially since Brody wouldn't leave her for Carrie.

She was... crazy. He was damaged.

They were broken.

She felt their sorrows. Their love was doomed.

Like she and Mike somehow.

And just like that, she absurdly felt closer to Brody.

* * *

_Thoughts?_

_Might do another chapter if someone's interested.  
_


	2. Chapter 2

**This chapter was a little emotional for me to write. Not that I want to make you suffer, but I hope I managed to convey the same emotions for the readers! Note that I changed the pairing to Jessica/Brody because the fic didn't actually take the path I thought it would. Although, and you will see it for yourself, it doesn't mean they "are" together.**

**If you want to compare with the first chapter, I did _not_ write this one in class. ;)**

**For Alida who asked: I used to study philosophy and literature and I'm now doing a Master's degree in Communication & Multimedia studies.  
**

* * *

**Chapter 2**

When Jessica came back home, everything was in slow motion. Everything felt different, like she was in a dream. Her surroundings looked numb and she wasn't even sure if she drove the car. She remembered holding the steering wheel but she had been floating, not driving. The landscape had been winding on and she hadn't seen it, her instinct having gotten the upper hand so she automatically took the right way home.

Her mind was blank. She didn't know what to think, so she decided to stop thinking.

Her chest was still constricted and she felt a flow of emotions rushing through her. Two contradictory feelings were fighting inside her and she feared she had just gone insane.

Maybe it was all for the better since madness seemed to be the only way to live in this world.

She craved to rush into Mike's arms, to finally return to the life that had been normal and secure for years. To the only man who had loved her through this and could make life easy again.

She wanted to go to Brody, to lie in bed with bed with him like they used to do and comfort him, strike his hair like she could still be here for him and tell him she understood, tell him everything would be okay.

But how do you live with a husband who's in love with someone else?

When she arrived at home, finally, and clueless as to how she really got here, she let herself fall in the couch, glad there was something to stop her fall when nothing could stop the conflict and the crushing in her heart.

The kids were still at school and the silence wrapped her in, brought her to a sense of peace and comfort contrasting with the ravaging turmoil in her head.

The voices were screaming in her head.

He told her_ she_ was crazy.

He believed she was crazy.

He fucking sent her to a mental institution! She saw it. He was part of the reason she lost her job and probably a part of her life. How could he work with her when he didn't respect her? How the hell could he be in love her?

She felt bad for Carrie. For being in love with a married man who destroyed her.

But then – she _had_ him.

Jessica would like to believe Carrie was the other woman. But was she really? He was in love with her, he was open with her. She had no doubt that he _talked_ to her. About what he went through, about what he was feeling, about... herself?

God, she was going to be sick.

Did he tell her how bored he was with his marriage? That he didn't feel anything for his wife? She had been a fool. She was the one he didn't respect, not Carrie.

He may think Carrie was crazy but he respected her.

But why the arrest and... - Mike's voice echoed in her mind, once more. Tom Walker. Brody being a suspect. And then her own voice. _He hadn't been the same_.

What if...

What if there was more to it?

Carrie was a CIA agent, she must have been investigating Brody's kidnappers and Tom Walker. If Brody killed Tom Walker then he wouldn't have wanted Carrie obstructing his path... She would have been an obstacle that Brody had to eliminate. She saw Carrie, despite the nuttiness and her obvious attraction to Brody, she seemed good at her job. Perservering.

It didn't make sense.

She saw it. The feelings. The love. They couldn't have been playing in each other. Maybe they did at first but then fell in love – No, that sounded like a bad movie. That wasn't it.

How could this theory make so much sense and be_ crazy_ at the same time?

Her head was spinning, completely illogical.

But no matter what was true, it was clear that whatever was going on between the two of them – they were in a deep mess.

And she hope she wouldn't be caught in the middle of it.

* * *

She was still reeling from everything that just unclosed before her when she heard a knock at her door. Who could it be? She didn't expect anyone, she wasn't in a condition to greet anyone. She wished whoever it was would just go away, but it seemed the incessant pouding on the door wasn't about to stop. It reverberated and became amplified in her already agonizing head.

She sighed and braced herself. Trying to put aside any thought in her mind.

When she opened the door, she felt relieved, and every weigh dropped off her shoulders as she realized who was in front of her, who mattered the most to her.

"Mike..."

"Hey." He looked hesitant, not completely meeting her gaze. "Look, I know you didn't want to see me but I just wanted to apologize..."

She cut him with a kiss. She needed it – when she let her lips brushed over his, she knew this was what she needed, what kept her sane.

He seemed to be surprised, shocked, not expecting this at all and absolutely not complaining as she became conscious of how much he loved her and waited for her, desperately.

"Come in," she whispered.

He entered behind her, uncertain.

"What happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well you were mad at me the last time and we haven't... you know. I thought with Brody and..." He was awfully rambling, a mix of excitment, craving for more than a kiss and true confusion.

Jessica shook her head, sighed. "I don't know, I just..."

He took her hand, worried.

She looked up at him with a sincere but sad smile.

"Everything is beyond me. Brody is... more secretive. I thought he was opening up but I feel like it was just a ruse to hide even more. And I'm not even sure what he's hiding."

"So you... believe me?" He said cautiously.

"It's possible. I just, I can't believe he would, this is not the man I know and this is definitely not the kind of man I want to be married to. But everything else just don't make sense." The despair in her voice was heartbreaking and she gladly went into Mike's arms, snuggling against his warmth and comfort.

They stayed silent for a while before Jessica broke the quietude.

"I followed him this morning."

Mike stepped back to look at her.

"What?"

"I followed him when he told me he had to go the CIA. I wanted to see."

"And?"

"Well, he really was. But..."

She trailed off. Mike looked at her, insistent.

"She was there. The CIA agent he's been cheating on me with. He assured me he wasn't working with her. And she was there."

"It didn't have to mean anything. They could have just walked in together..."

"No," she raised her voice. "You weren't there, Mike. You didn't see it. There is something between them, I don't know exactly what it is, if they're fucking together again but there_ is _something and nothing makes sense."

"Hey. Hey."

She was almost hysterical, on the verge of tears and Mike caressing her skin, his hands smooth, soothing her... It was good and it was too much because it was on the opposite side of the reality she had to live in.

"Calm down. It's going be fine."

"He's my husband, Mike..." The sadness gave way to the anger. 'He doesn't even want you around but he thinks he has the power to do whatever he wants!"

"Look, you don't know for sure. Did you see them... ?"

"No, but -"

"Then stop hurting yourself."

"He doesn't tell me _anything_. How will I ever know? I may be married to a cheater and a killer! How can it be fine if no one can ever prove it? If I won't ever know for sure?!"

Mike could only look at her, sorry and helpless.

"You know I have resources, I can investigate... But do you really want to know?"

"I don't know. Jesus – I don't know."

"I'm here, Jess. I hope you know that, even if it's the only thing you can be sure of, I'm here."

"I know. Thank God, I know it. And I wish you could be here. And it makes me feel so awful sometimes. Because I wish... I wish Brody wouldn't have come home."

A sob ended her sentence. A sob that had been threatening her the whole time, opening the gates of a flow of tears. Because she felt awful and she felt bad, but she felt so much freer now she had said it.

* * *

_I almost wrote "fin" but it doesn't feel like it, does it?  
_

_Thoughts?_


End file.
